Welcome to the Future

Here again I blog. I've had a blog for many years. I've blogged a lot of bullspit. I haven't been very interesting. I do not intend to become any more interesting.

But my thoughts help me only so much, caught up inside my head: I like to at least pretend that other people will read these things.

An hour or so ago I finished reading a book: Rewild or Die, by Urban Scout. I know about the book since my brother knows the author, and I have always idolized my brother, so I caught on.

Various things have become clear(er) to me in the past few days...

1. civilization owns me.

2. my parents unwittingly raised me to be attracted by the idea of rewilding.

3. i could do anything.

I remember that when I was a little kid (as opposed to the big kid I am currently, of course) on a few occasions I would be running around the playground at my dandy Montessori School and pick up a piece of bark dust off the ground and ponder it briefly. I do not remember my specific thought process, but I then chased around my friends and asked them if they wondered what the tree had looked like, the tree that this piece came from. I thought of it sort of as being like the Shard from the Dark Crystal.

No one else seemed to care. Dramatic!

So I gave up. For a long time. I was weird on my own time, alone, and only slightly less weird in public. I pretended I was a tiger when I was uncomfortable with other people and burst into tears when I realized I would never actually be a not-human.

I wrote some very depressing, mildly creepy poetry.

I talked about myself a lot... oh, wait, I still do!

Anyway, you know what? People exist out there who think like me. I think like other people. And that makes all the difference.

I could go to college for three or four years, become a graphic designer, work hard and make money and do things with money.

Or I could go live in centroamerica for a while, live somewhere that is not here, come back, find some work, and find a community. Find a place to share. Find things to learn, find things to create, find good things.

I will not wait to gather the funds to flee from what there is. I would rather live a penniless life of grief and joy than a life of working to purchase illusions.